April 2, 2013
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Earlier today I was sitting at my desk in front of the computer:
I had a long list of things on my mind (and on paper). Things I felt I HAD to get done by the end of the day. I felt torn apart by the sheer amount. Thoughts about prioritization rushed through my head. But there was something a lot deeper going on. Something that took my breath and joy away. It would be a ridiculous understatement to say that I “did not feel good”. One of the things was taking time to meditate. Funnily enough the very thing that should help with this kind of condition I had placed in the future as well. The goddamn meditation was actually making my suffering worse. It just became another thing that I had to get done. All the plans were towering around me and shouting at me why I wasn’t making any progress. I felt full of anger and disappointment. It was just enough.
I then managed to get up, away from the computer (turning the damn thing off). Always a great first step. Still my emotions did not change. I felt like my whole life was at stake. Everything depended on me being productive – NOW. Being productive like five people all on my own. Then it suddenly came to me.
I said “F*ck it all. I don’t give a sh*t about *insert your outcome and goal here*”. I let it all go. I just let go in that very moment…
Suddenly a feeling of deep calmness came over me. That moment I realized that it in fact on a deeper level it did not matter at all if I achieved my goals. If things went a certain way or not. If “I” was a certain person with certain skills and so on. All that was really important was that I was here now. Who- or whatever “I” was. That did not mean that I stopped caring about my goals. But by pushing them away harshly they somehow returned to their proper place. It became clear to me that I “wanted” those things, outcomes, skills, experiences and so on – but I did not “need” them. Because needing them equaled suffering.
Just by letting go of needing to have it happen in a certain way – all the pressure was alleviated. It suddenly felt ridiculously good. All that outcome-dependancy had shown me how ridiculous it is to be outcome dependent. Not enjoying the doing itself. I had lost connection with the present and with my emotions. Because I did not want to feel them: they were hurtful and not pleasant. The peculiar thing about this kind of emotional state is that by pushing the emotion away – one can not transcend the state. One has to go through the unpleasantness to arrive at peace and breath yet again. Fully taking in the irritation and suffering as part of what is at that moment. Observing it without judgement. If you start doing that – amazing things will happen.
It’s great to be really driven and motivated. Next: being independent of the outcome while still believing in it. Working at it. This combination then makes the whole experience even more enjoyable!
PS: Writing a blog post was on my list as well 🙂